What if…

A few months ago, my friend asked me if I am glad I waited before ending my marriage. What she meant was, am I happy that I tried to work through problems with my husband, after I was enlightened to his true nature; or do I wish I ended the relationship as soon as I was enlightened, rather than a year later. My answer: I am glad I waited.

I discovered the truth 1 1/2 months after my wedding. I broke down and didn’t go to work for 3 days. I was shocked, my friends and parents were shocked. Everything I thought was true was a lie. Looking back, it makes me think of Plato’s Cave! I had started to leave the cave, I could see the light of truth but what did I know of truth anymore?

I had no idea what to believe. My husband kept the lies going and tried to convince me I was crazy. He would even threaten to commit suicide when I wasn’t convinced by him, to get me to back down and stop asking for the truth. However, the ins and outs of an emotionally abusive relationship are for another blog post.

I was torn. I had made the most important promises I could ever make to someone, in front of God, my friends and family. Maybe what was happening was to test my loyalty? To see if I would be a good wife? To follow my vows that were for life?

I tried explaining this to my friends and they made the point that he broke the vows first. Yet, I just thought, two wrongs don’t make a right, I need to try and fix this, it’s too early. 1 1/2 months is too early to end a marriage, I’m 25, what will people think of me?

So I made the decision, to try and work through this with my husband, so that we could have the marriage I thought we did. I made it clear to him, that things needed to change. I bought new furniture for the house, we started going to marriage counseling and he changed his job.

It was the most difficult year of my life.

In November 2018 (one year after I discovered the truth), I spent an entire weekend quietly crying. I didn’t know why. My husband didn’t care. I couldn’t stop it. It forced me to stop and reflect on the past year. I had put my all into trying to make this marriage work. He hadn’t. He didn’t change. He didn’t care. If anything, he became more emotionally abusive. That weekend marked the end of our relationship.

But what’s this got to do with the initial question my friend asked me? I’m glad I went through that year of pain. Because now, when the divorce process and loneliness attacks my emotions, I don’t ask what if.

I catch myself off guard, thinking about our relationship and how much I love my husband. But then I tell myself, if he was going to truly be that man you thought you were married to, you would’ve seen him. He would’ve changed. He wouldn’t have continued to lie and emotionally abuse you, even when he knew this was his last chance to keep you.

Yet, if I hadn’t of tried during that year and gone straight to divorce. I would’ve always wondered, what if I stayed with him? What if he was telling the truth? What if…

What if…is no longer a question. There is no what if…

One thought on “What if…

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